The world is ending and I’m going to be an artist.

And maybe I’ll get a dog.

I keep a small stone in the pocket of every jacket that I own. My dad told me to avoid throwing punches if I could, especially towards the jaw or mouth, because he says that’s a good way to hurt your hand.

“This kid I knew, he… ran into my fist with his teeth.” He joked “somebody saw what happened and they told me to disinfect it. That saved me. My hand had swelled so big, I probably would have had to amputate it, I wouldn’t have done anything to clean it on my own, I wouldn’t have thought to.”

He always said that in self defense situations there’s this triangle on everybody’s face where you can hit and it will stop them long enough so you can run. The nose, the eyes, just so you can get away. He said that even something little in your hand like a quarter or a stone will make the punch a little stronger. 

But he always said that you shouldn’t do any more than you need to. Just do enough to get out of there. He told me that more than he told me to brush my teeth. Just to start running. Get somewhere public, a restaurant, some business, and get safe.

I’ll be moving out soon. Before I even decided what area I wanted to live in, my first thought was how I could get a dog. 

I’ve always had pets. I had a turtle, several fish. Three dogs when I was little, four dogs now, a litter of puppies for a bit, three bunnies, I think a duck for a while. 

I got this bunny about a year and a half ago. I love her more than anything. I trained her to come when she’s called. She does this trick where she holds my hand. She likes to jump in my lap when I’m working and not paying enough attention to her. She pouts when I go to work because she’s sad that I’m leaving. Her favorite foods are mango skins and apples and little dried hay treats. She loves to chew on cardboard cat scratchers and do dog puzzles to get treats. I lost her for a bit last semester. I only had a couple of weeks left of school and was talking about dropping out for the rest of the semester. She was gone and I just wanted to come back home. I moved into a different dorm building just so I could get her back for the last three weeks of classes. For a while before that, before I got her back, I felt like I had never hated a place more than I hated Pittsburgh without her. 

“I want something scarier looking than Odie, he barks, but he’s too cute, everyone just wants to pet him anyways,” Odie is our sheep dog. He’s adorable. “I want something that looks too scary to pet.”

“German shepherds look scary but they also can be pretty aggressive towards other animals in the house,” my sister said, she’s on her phone looking at adoption websites. “They wouldn’t get along with Maybelline.” 

“I love Maybelline,” I said. “but a dog would make me feel safe. If it came down to feeling safe and feeling happy. I’d be sad to leave her behind but I’d rather feel safe.”

A very close friend of mine is this bright, intellectual girl. She likes wild, thought provoking plays and talking about the intent behind Sofia Coppola’s directing choices. She spent a semester in New York and I missed her very much. I went to see her and her tiny New York studio apartment, and after watching a play called La Casa De Bernarda Alba, beautifully directed and performed inside what seemed like an abandoned building, we went home and ruined her boyfriend’s Hulu suggested watch list by putting on the worst movies we could find. We loved really dumb movies. Movies are supposed to be entertaining. Dumb movies entertain us. We sat there baking cookies and watching this movie with Channing Tatum where he’s got this perfect artsy girlfriend played by Rachael McAdams who he loves and they’re perfect for each other or whatever and then she gets into this accident where she forgets ever even meeting him. She basically goes back in time to where she was living with her rich parents going to a good school and engaged to this super rich evil finance guy. The thing is, the whole time I was watching this movie, I couldn't get over how she could have possibly chosen Channing Tatum. Not just because I don’t think he’s attractive (He’s just not cute. I’m sorry.) but also because she gave up so much stability in her life so she could be with him and make art. I also didn’t get it because she can just go to school and still do pottery or whatever because that’s what I do and I’m not dating Channing Tatum and running away from my family. I wouldn’t have been able to make the decision that sacrifices my stability and safety even if it was for the sake of my own happiness. What Rachael McAdams didn’t illustrate very well is that without stability it becomes a lot harder to make art. My dad tells me all the time not to get trapped working in a coffee shop forever just so I can make rent and not have any time to draw. I recently considered learning how to be a phlebotomist because I heard it pays $75 an hour. And I am terrified of needles. I cried getting a vaccine shot at the age of 18. I’m not an anti-vaxxer, I just hate needles. But it was a job I could do and make enough money to pay rent in New York and still have plenty of time to make art. 

I saw a TikTok video about the kind of apartment you can afford if you make $15 an hour. She did the math and basically said to just stay home, it’s rough out there. I make $15 an hour at one of my jobs, the other one I make $11. Actually I think I got a raise because I’ve been there a year so now it’s closer to $12. My other internship is unpaid. I kept thinking about how hard it was going to be to make a living and still do all the things I loved to do. I got so scared and upset and I cried and I moped and I wished that I had been born loving something else. Something simpler, some job where I can work 9 to 5 and have breaks after work and on weekends. A job that was stable, one that I could expect where money was going to come from. And then I stopped crying and thought about how it was open studio tomorrow and I was going to make more ceramic pieces and I got excited again. I started the job search again, I stayed up looking for internship opportunities that paid better than $11 an hour. I found a couple that seemed cool and vowed to apply to them in the morning. I didn’t, but that’s because I went to mess around with clay in the morning and I forgot. And if I’m willing to consider becoming a phlebotomist just so I can have enough money to make art, I figured that I’ll be ok because I love what I make and I’d do anything to do it. I love doing what I do, nothing makes me happier. I’m going to do it forever. 

So I probably won’t become a phlebotomist. And I’m not going to date the evil finance guy so he can support my artistic endeavors. 

“You’re not gonna rely on anybody but you to make things happen.” My dad is really wise.

I’ll just find a way to stay safe any way that I can, I will find a way to make art any way that I can. If the world is ending, I’m going to be a painter, I’m going to be a potter, I’m going to be an artist. And maybe I’ll get a dog. 

“I can’t help but feel like I did this to you,” my dad said

“Did what?” I said.

“Made you this way, this scared to be out in the world,” he said. “ I think maybe I overdid it.”

“Well you did,” I laughed.

“Isn’t that bad? That I made you scared to do things?”

“I mean, I’m still going to do them, so,” I said. “It’s ok.” 

I’ll always be a little bit afraid, maybe that’s why I like my bunny so much. Maybelline and I have that in common. Every day, we’re both a little bit scared. But we still love to go outside.

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